Back to Life.
Detail, anorexia awareness pin.
by Margarite Nathe
I spoke with Michele Crisafulli on a sunny Friday morning on the patio of a coffee shop. She’s a research assistant in Cynthia Bulik’s office, and she’s one of the industrious undergraduates the scientists call Very Helpful People.
When do you think you first began developing an eating disorder?
My thirteenth birthday was the first time I remember explicitly thinking, “I’m not going to eat something because of the calories in it.” I was at my birthday party and decided not to drink soda.
I was hospitalized with anorexia for five days in the eighth grade. I wasn’t really aware that it was a problem. I can remember right before going to the hospital, writing in my journal, “My parents are taking me to the doctor. They think I’m not eating enough. And I just can’t wait to go to the doctor and have him tell them that they’re being stupid and everything’s fine.”
When did your parents first get concerned about your behavior?
My mom told a family friend who’s a nurse that she was concerned about me. Her friend said, “She’s probably fine, but see if her fingernail beds are turning purplish or bluish, because that means there are circulation problems.” Mom looked right away, and they were pretty blue. She flipped out.
What happened when you were hospitalized?
I was constantly looking for ways to cheat the system. At that point, I was still in denial that this had anything to do with emotional issues. It was just about food, just about weight, just about calories. I would say that I worked against my nutritionist and entire treatment team, not only for the five days that I was in the hospital, but also for the whole first year or so that I was in treatment.
What made you finally decide to work with your doctors and nutritionists to get better?
After I was hospitalized, I got up to my former weight, relapsed a little over the next year, and then started bingeing at the very end of my freshman year of high school. So I’ve been at both ends of the eating disorders spectrum.
I gained thirty pounds over three months, which isn’t a healthy way to gain the weight I needed. At one point I had my parents install a lock on our refrigerator, and everything—crackers, cereal, everything—went into the refrigerator. I know they were really uncomfortable with it and didn’t want to do it, but I was so desperate. It wasn’t effective because I’d find things that were totally unappealing, and even binge on them. Like dry pasta. I felt like such a bottomless pit.
But ironically, I think gaining so much weight brought me back to life. Cognitively, you’re not functioning the way you should be when you’re underweight. I started realizing how much more energy I had. How people didn’t look at me and get scared anymore. I decided I needed to learn how to accept my new body.
Cynthia Bulik says that neuroticism can be a risk indicator in children. As a child, did you fit any of Bulik’s descriptions?
I was definitely a very neurotic child. I’d always been a perfectionist—straight As, tried to be the angel child for my parents, never cause any trouble, that kind of thing. A couple of years before the development of my eating disorder, what I fixated on was thunderstorms, to the point where any time they were even calling for thunderstorms, I’d be shaking.
Eating disorders can be deadly. Did you ever think your life might be in danger?
I never felt like I was so thin that I’d die. But a lot of the mortality from anorexia comes from suicide. I was never miserable enough that I didn’t want to live at all; I just didn’t want to live the way I was living.
Is this something you still struggle with daily?
I would say that I’m completely recovered. One thing that upsets me about the way that eating disorders are portrayed in our society is this idea that it’s a problem that no one ever gets over. I disagree with that. Obviously not everyone does, but it’s possible.
What would you like to say to people who are now struggling with anorexia?
Listen to your doctors. Try to do the re-feeding process the right way, because if you don’t, eventually your body will rebel and you will binge, and it’s not pretty.
I spent so much of my life not feeling good about myself, constantly striving to be better and not being okay with who I already was. I see that so much, especially at a university like UNC where there are so many high-achieving people who are constantly striving to be thinner, smarter, do more extracurricular activities. It’s okay to be okay with yourself. That doesn’t make you lazy; it doesn’t make you fat. It just makes you calm and at peace, and generally a positive influence on other people.
Michele Crisafulli is a senior at Carolina, and co-president and co-founder of Students Helping to Achieve Positive Esteem (SHAPE).
